We start out this famous foundational passage of scripture by seeing this undeniable truth; If our faith in Christ is real, it will usually prove itself at home, in our relationships with those who know us best. With our spouses, children and parents.
In the previous chapter of Ephesians, Paul talked about the importance of submitting to one another. He begins chapter six continuing that theme. Paul turned next to children. His command to them is simple: Obey your parents. This is not an absolute command; when a parent tells a child to do something unbiblical, immoral, or unethical, the law of God supersedes the will of the parent. But aside from those extremes, children are to obey their mothers and fathers. This is the way God intends it.
The Greek word for “children” (tekna) refers to young children living at home. God requires children to obey because children need to rely on the wisdom of their parents. Jesus himself submitted to the authority of his earthly parents, despite his authority as the Messiah (Luke 2:51). All young children will, at times, disobey and test their parents’ limits. As they get older, they will understand why God wants them to obey. Obedience that recognizes parents’ authority can carry over into recognizing God’s authority. God’s plan for his people includes solid family relationships where there exists respect, obedience, submission, and love for one another. When both parents and children love God, all of them will seek to obey and please him.
Paul added the authority of the fifth commandment, recorded in Exodus 20:12, Honor your father and mother. Obeying and honoring are different. To obey means to do what another says to do; to honor means to respect and love. Children are to obey while under their parents’ care, but they must honor their parents
Paul also speaks to the expectation that God has of parents. Parental discipline should help children learn, not exasperate and make them angry. In Colossians 3:21, Paul gave the same advice, adding that if children are disciplined in unloving and irresponsible ways, they may become discouraged and resentful. In families of Paul’s day, the father had full legal rights over his children and often ran his household with rigid control.
In Jewish families, the fathers were responsible for the education of the children. Paul did not have to establish the fathers’ authority; rather, his aim was to set the limits on harsh treatment. Parenting is not easy—it takes lots of patience to raise children in a loving, Christ-honoring manner. But frustration and anger should not be causes for discipline. Parents can remove the exasperating effect of their discipline by avoiding nagging, labeling, criticizing, or dominating.
Don’t goad your children into resenting you. Paul wrote specifically to fathers because, in that culture, fathers were the absolute head of the home, with complete control and authority. For Paul to say that they needed to treat their children as human beings and consider their feelings was revolutionary. As Christ changed the way husbands and wives related, so he changed the way parents and children related.
Parents ought not provoke their children, and neither should they abandon their responsibility to guide, correct, and discipline them. Parents still have a job to do for their children—to bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.
SO WHAT? (what will I do with what I have read today?)
On the face of it, this first section of Ephesians six doesn't seem to have much to do with the armor of God or spiritual warfare. Oh cointreau my friend; It has everything to do with spiritual warfare. You see, if you are not living the christian life at home, it doesn't matter what you do outside the home.
The credibility of my ministry is a pastor is not based on how I wow you with my sermons or my biblical knowledge. The credibility of my ministry is based on what happens in my family, in my marriage and in my relationship with my kids. It doesn't matter how well the ministry is doing if my family life is hell.
The same is true with you. I have seen so many talented and gifted men and women of God who Satan has blown out of the game because they were not tending to the home front. They led others spiritually but their home life was a disaster. Folks, is it any reason then that one of the qualifications for leadership in the church is that your kids respect you, that your wife loves you and that your home honors the Lord?
1 Timothy 3:1-5 (NIV)
1 Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.
2 Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,
3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)
So, let me remind you of a few things that might help you lead spiritually in your home.
When Sharon and I got married we started thinking about having a family. (Actually I started thinking about it the first time I saw her.) I subscribed to the Beatles philosophy of parenting -- all you need is love. I was sadly mistaken! Four children later 21, 20, 18 & 12 – it became real obvious you need more than love. In fact the Bible says that. To have a healthy family takes more than just love. The Bible says it takes wisdom. Proverbs 24:3, "It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong." Healthy families are not an accident. They are the result of wise actions and wise decision by wise parents.
And folks, I'm not talking about a perfect family. There's no such thing as a perfect family because it's made up of imperfect individuals. But you can have a healthy family without it being perfect. How do you have a healthy family? How do you grow one? Four things...
#1. YOU HAVE TO PREPARE YOUR KIDS FOR LIFE.
The Bible says that one of the goals for parenting is to prepare your kids for life. God intends the family to be a learning center for life. You learn things in your family that you don't learn anywhere else. A couple of weeks ago my youngest taught me how to burp and sneeze at the same time. A very cool thing. I don't know if I'll ever use it anywhere but it's a great spiritual experience to be able to do that!
You learn life's basic skills in the family -- walk, talk, eat ... use a TV remote -- all the basic skills of life you learn in the family. God says we are to prepare our kids for life.
The Bible says this about Jesus in Luke 2:52 "Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and with man." Circle the four ways Jesus grew. Those are the same four ways you, as a parent, have to help your children to grow.
First it says Jesus grew in wisdom. That's mental or intellectual growth.
He grew in stature. That's physical growth.
He grew in favor with God. Spiritual growth.
He grew in favor with man. That's social growth.
That ought to be the goals you have in your family for each of your children, that you help them have balanced growth -- mental, physical, spiritual and social. The Bible is very clear that the primary responsibility of raising children, helping them be prepared for life, is laid at the feet of parents. It's your responsibility. The moment you took part in a conception you got a job description. You took on a role.
I know you've heard people say, "I'm not going to impose my spiritual values on my kids. I'm going to let them decide for themselves." Baloney! What that basically says is "God is an option." He is not an option. You are hurting your kids if you say God is an option. As long as they are under your roof, you have the right to impose on them certain standards. When they're out on their own, of course they have to make their own decision. But if you don't force your kids to go to church, where do you think they'll get their values? At school? When you say, "I'm not going to impose my values on my kids" what you're doing is abdicating your authority as a parent. And you're abdicating it to the television. Television is the number one purveyor of values today.
The Bible says one day we're all going to be judged before God and give an account of our lives. Those of us who are parents will give an account of our parenting roles. Did we care enough to say, this is right and this is wrong, because most kids don't know right from wrong today. Society certainly doesn't know the difference.
I suggest that you be more intentional. Make a list of the values you think are important, that you value. Then start intentionally sharing those, making sure those come up in the conversation with your kids. Don't just let it go haphazard. Because it's not true that all you need is love. You need wisdom.
#2. PROTECT YOUR KIDS IN STORMS.
Notice the phrase is "in storms" not "from storms." When Sharon and I had Kelsey, I remember praying, "God, please protect her" and I started listing all these things I wanted Him to protect her from in her lifetime. I began to understand as she has grown and my other kids have grown that love is not enough to protect my kids from all the problems that are going to come their way. I can't necessarily protect them from the storms of life. They're going to come.
But I can protect my kids in the storms. Those of you who are first time parents or you have young kids you may still be under the illusion that your love is enough to protect your kids from all the evil that comes into life. You need to rearrange your thinking to know that while you can't do that, you can make your home a place of protection in storms.
Life is full of storms. It's like being in a hurricane sometimes. The things that come in to it just batter us, bruise us and beat us up, you get dumped on and things don't go the way you planned. Life is very tough and we all need a place of safety, security, peace, protection. God has planned that our homes be that place.
Proverbs 14:26 "Reverence for the Lord gives a man deep strength; his children have a place of refuge and security." The home is supposed to be a place of refuge and security.
There are a lot of kinds of storms that come into our life -- emotional, physical, relational. I want to mention three of them to you today.
Change. This world changes so quickly. From day to day, relationships change, jobs change, we change where we live, health changes. That storm of change comes into everybody's life. Whether a change is positive or negative, studies tell us that too much of any kind is stressful. So we need a place where that stress can be taken care of. Alvin Tozier says we need "islands of security" places that are stable, predictable, where you know it's going to be the same.
Failure. Nobody wins all the time. Sometimes you get passed up for the promotion, you don't make the team, you fail the test, you bomb. Failure comes to everybody. And it hurts. But failure is more bearable if you're coming home to hugs, if you know that, when you get home, you're going to be soothed, you're going to be encouraged from that failure.
Kelsey and her first boyfriend: When they broke up, it was awesome to see how our family rallied around her. That's what a family is to be. That place of shelter in a storm.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one. If one of them falls down the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, it's just too bad, because there is no one to help him." Family is to be there in times of failure.
Rejection. Probably one of the toughest storms to handle. Everybody knows what it's like to feel criticized, ostracized, pushed away, not allowed to be part of the in crowd. We all know what that's like. Most of that starts to happen to us when we are kids on the playground. Can't you still remember something that happened to you on the playground as a little kid? Kids are ruthless and the things they say to each other at that age are so mean. They pick on everything about you that's not perfect and point it out to you as if you're not aware of it.
The real tragedy about this is that in many homes, rather than being a place of refuge and safety and stability in a storm, many homes are the center of the storm themselves. Many homes are like being in the eye of the storm and that's not right. That's not what God has planned for our families. He warns against it in Mark 3:25. He says "A home filled with strife and division destroys itself." So the place that was supposed to be the ultimate source of acceptance, sometimes becomes the ultimate source of rejection. This is not right.
#3. PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS FOR FUN.
God intends families to be a haven for happiness, a format for fun, and a place to party. A place to kick back, relax, have fun, have a good time. It ought to be a place of fun.
I have a pet peeve. A lot of Christians get so serious about the first point I talked about -- the learning center thing. They want to get the values right, the character right, the relationships right. They've got a school where they turn themselves into a schoolmaster or a drill sergeant. Or like Captain Von Trapp in "The Sound of Music" who blew the silly whistle and the kids came marching in and marching out. If I were to say anything to some Christian families, these are the people who are listening to Dobson five times a day and checking every book. They're so up tight, afraid they're going to make some mistake. God's word to you today is this: Lighten up! You're coming on a little bit heavy.
A family that prays together, stays together. Also, the family that plays together, stays together.
The fact is, your kids aren't going to be with you forever. Parenting is just a season of life. You better enjoy it while you've got it. Someday the kids are going to grow up and you may be thinking, "Someday things are going to be a whole lot different. The kitchen will be incredibly neat. The sink will stay free of sticky dishes. The garbage disposal won't get chocked on rubber bands or paper cups.
The refrigerator won't be clogged with nine bottles of milk and we won't lose the tops to the jelly jars. Someday when the kids are grown up, the instrument called the telephone will be available to adults. It won't be hot from being held two hours. It won't look like it's growing from a teenager's ear. It will simply hang there silent and amazingly available, free of lipstick, human saliva, mayonnaise, freto crumbs and tooth picks stuck in those little holes. Someday when the kids are grown I'll actually be able to see through car windows. Fingerprints, tongue licks, sneaker foot prints, dog tracks will be conspicuous by their absence. Someday when the kids are grown we'll return to normal conversation.
`Gross' won't punctuate every sentence seven times. `Yuk' will not be heard. `Hurry up, I gotta go!' will not be accompanied by banging fists on the bathroom door. Someday when the kids are grown, things will be a lot different. One by one they'll leave our nest and the place will begin to resemble order and maybe even a touch of elegance. The clink of china and silver will be heard on occasion and the muffled crackling of a fireplace will echo through the hallways and the phone will be strangely silent. In fact, the entire house will be quiet and calm and filled with memories. And so lonely and we won't like it.
Folks, if your home isn't fun while your kids are growing up, don't be surprised if they don't come back often when they're grown. Why should they?
#4. POINT YOUR KIDS TO GOD.
The bottom line of parenting is to point our kids to God.
You don't have to have all the answers. If you haven't figured that out yet, you will. You don't have all the answers for the questions your kids are going to ask. I don't mean things like, "Why are trees green? Why is the sky blue? Why do dogs bark?" and you make up the answers to satisfy them for awhile.
But they ask questions as they get older like, "Why did God make me this way? If God is loving and in control of everything, why did He allow Grandma to die?" They ask questions like that and they're very tough to answer. I don't have those answers. My reservoir of answers is very small, but I have a God, a Heavenly Father, who does have answers. It's my job as a parent to point them to God.
You can do that in some formalized way. You can sit down and teach kids some things about God and that has some effect. But, even more important - you teach your kids the most by modeling for them the truths you want them to understand. We are to live our lives in such a way that our kids want to emulate us. They want to be like us, rather than run the other direction.
Sometimes parents make a mistake by hiding from their kids the problems that are going on in their own lives, the struggles that are going on within themselves or the external things they're having to deal with. They think maybe that's protecting their kids and there is some truth to that.
But there are so many other situations in which we need to share with our kids the things that are going on in our lives because it helps them see how to get through them. How better to teach your kids to have faith in God in financial difficulties than when you're in the middle of a financial difficulty and you constantly express to them, "Yeah, it tough right now but we have a God who is faithful to us and He'll provide for us." Or when you're going through grief or pain or struggles, say to your kids, "Yes, this hurts, this is hard. But God will comfort us and sustain us." We are to show our kids from our own lives how we get strength and help from God. If they don't see it in our lives, why should they do it. If they don't see us pointing to God all the time, why should they trust in God, why should they rely on Him? That's one of our main jobs.
Why is it so important? Proverbs 9:10 says, "Knowing God results in every other kind of understanding." Philippians 3:8 says, "Everything else is worthless compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord." Knowing God is the foundational issue of life. Knowing God is what you build every other form of learning or training on. It's not just enough to talk about God. In America today, many parents who are not even Christians, talk about God. They talk about a higher power or the great baseball coach in the sky. They refer that there is a God in this world. But that's not enough. We need to make sure we point our kids to Jesus Christ, their Savior, the one who loves them, the one who died for them, the one who gave His life. We don't just point them to God. We point them to Jesus, their Savior, and make sure they know Him.
If you want a healthy family, you need to make that kind of commitment. You commit your own life to Jesus Christ and say, "Jesus, I need Your help in all my life -- not just parenting. You be my savior." Then you say, "I commit my family. I dedicate my family to you. They're gifts are from You. I dedicate them back to You -- my spouse, my children." Then you dedicate yourself to becoming a wise parent.
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